“We have one son in heaven, but none on earth at the moment.” This is what I have come to say whenever faced with the challenging question that is so often asked. I say it that exact way for a couple of reasons: first, I immediately want people to be jarred out of the normal comfort that our society has given to people to ask anyone that question in the first place. I know it has become common and for many people, it is the natural thing in life to do when talking to someone that is at least in their mid-twenties or older and has been married for at least thirty seconds. However, for many people that is a loaded question filled with mixed emotions of pain, sorrow, and grief. The number of people that have dealt with miscarriages (1 in 4 pregnancies), infertility (15% equating to 48.5 million), and other painful scenarios related to pregnancy are staggering. Not to mention the fact that more than 132 million children in the world are abandoned or orphaned and yet people continue to insist on having children of their own while in data examining over 130 countries it was shown that 77 of them are overpopulated, which means they are consuming more resources than they are producing. I could go on and on about how the perspective of what America considers to be a “real family” or simply to be “successful” is slowly but faithfully killing society, but I will save that for another time. I will simply say that we need to stop having children and start adopting until every child in the world has a home and a family. End of rabbit trail.
The other reason I phrase my answer to “the question” that way is because I want to let people know that while, yes, my son lived only for an hour and nine minutes on this earth, his existence still counts and matters. Just like any child which so many people in this world have. This year my son would have been 7 years old on earth. He would hopefully have been starting second grade, learning more application to the basic numbers he’s already been working on, he will start diving into fractions and getting the foundations for what will help him learn the multiplication tables. He would also start improving his reading skills and how to retell the stories he has been learning and even be able to write about it too. There are so many days that I wish my son was here and that I could help him with his homework, but I cannot.
Also, in addition to wanting people to know that my son existed and matters, I also want people to know that I believe He was and is in God’s hands. Even though it was painful to miss out on all the moments of watching him grow and raising him to be a man that loves and honors the Lord, the reality is that I still know God is sovereign and that His plans are ultimately good, meaning they will bring Him the glory He deserves. That is not something that I say blindly or flippantly or easily, but it is true. Lastly, I always want people who ask that question to know that I have not given up on having children at some point down the road. My wife and I are still healing and still dealing with the grief that comes from not having our son with us, and while we do not desire to simply replace Cyrus with another child, as so many seem to insinuate would just “make things better,” we do still trust God’s plan, even if that means having more children someday (which will not be easy for us). Whether that means giving birth to more children or adopting children or simply being a parent to the community God places us in; whatever our future looks like, I trust in the perfect love and compassion of my Creator and His ability to know what is best for us.
Moving onto the next thing; as loaded as being asked the question, “do you have children?” is, after giving the same answer I always give, the response I get from people can be very telling as well. I understand that when the question is asked, the people are NEVER expecting the answer that I provide and I want to be clear, I am not angry that the question is asked; in truth, I have no issue talking about my son, his story, his brief life on earth, and how it has affected me. The problem I do have is more when people suddenly get really quiet and awkward and typically give the most common of replies, “I am so sorry, I can’t even imagine.” I know we do not live in a world where people think through a lot of what they say and what they actually mean, and I am even guilty of occasionally not speaking as accurately and thoughtfully as I could. As I hope for grace to be extended to me in those moments, I try to extend the same grace to others. The goal should be growth and understanding and truthfully, that is what my wife and I want more than anything else in these situations. What are you sorry for? I think that quite often people are sorry they asked the question that forced me to talk about something very sad that has now made the situation uncomfortable. I get that, I really do, but honestly, I think in today’s world we need to be willing to be more uncomfortable if it leads to greater understanding (which I think can lead to greater empathy and therefore more kindness and compassion in society). The truth is that everyone is dealing with different kinds of pain and emotional trauma than we may all be aware of. The enemy (Satan) tries to convince us that what we are going through is unique and that we therefore should keep it to ourselves because he wants us to suffer alone, quietly, letting the damage continue inside until it destroys us. We need to embrace the discomfort and break through our fears and anxieties and get down to the root of what we are thinking and feeling and work to evolve to a better version of ourselves that is willing to be vulnerable with others but also helps create environments where people can be vulnerable with us too.
The truth is, you actually CAN imagine what I am going through, but you choose not to out of fear. I get that and I do not fault you for feeling that way, I was the same way before my life was turned upside down and even still, I acknowledge that I occasionally sense that “fight or flight” urge in my soul when faced with other people’s varying degrees of tragedy. It is not a fun place to go to in our minds, but I think it can be a good and healthy practice to get into if done well with love, sensitivity and wisdom (true wisdom can only come from God via the Holy Spirit). This is the very picture that scripture paints the church to be. Acts 4:32 talks about how the people had all things in common, James 5:16 talks about confessing your sins to one another and praying for one another, and Ephesians 4:32 instructs us to be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave us, and these are just a few of the verses painting a picture of what Christ designed the church to be. I hope and pray that if you have read this far that you hear from my heart that I do not mean for all these words to come across as angry words or complaining words being ranted from someone that is simply in pain. Every day I pray that God will give me wisdom and greater understanding to see myself as I truly am and that He will give me the ability to use what He has brought me through to help others to better see my Creator and fall in love with Him and His word which pierces deeper than anything we can possibly imagine.
So why am I writing all these things down? Those of you that know me best know that I feel deeply, sometimes more deeply than what may be emotionally healthy for me. As I often do, I sense God calling me to jump, and like Peter when Jesus asked him to step out on the water, I get out of the boat before I realize all that comes along with it. The waters are deep, the wind is strong, and my mind is a dangerous place filled with doubt and worry. I am too often tempted to take my eyes off Jesus, and I start to sink. But the more often I sink, the stronger I get as I am forced to swim back up to the surface. I have had to swim a lot over my 37 years on this earth and the Lord in His faithfulness has taught me things I never would have imagined or had certainly volunteered for. However, I am convinced that the lessons I have learned are not just for me and it would be selfish for me to keep them to myself. I want to be part of a culture shift and the only way that happens is by facing the pain and speaking up. I write and share in hopes that others will read and be encouraged to do the same. If you have gone through emotional trauma, be willing to share it, maybe you’re not there yet, but be willing to start working towards sharing it. Maybe just share it with someone you are closest to that you can trust and pray and ask God to give you the strength and courage to possibly share with someone less comfortable down the road as He leads you to those opportunities. Who knows how He may use it to bless that person? I have been amazed at the people that have continued to come out and share their stories of loss that I had no idea about. The truth is, you are not alone, and you should never have to suffer in silence.
Now to those of you that may still find yourself on the receiving end of this challenging news, I have to warn you that it will still not be easy to hear. The shock factor is almost always there to some degree, but the key is to actually let your mind go there. Instead of closing yourself off and apologizing, allow yourself to think through what it would be like if it did happen to you. Imagine losing someone that you greatly care about long before they should have died. If you have children of your own, then imagine getting news of a fatal diagnosis or try imagining losing them shortly after they were born and missing out on all the moments you have had with them. Humans use their imagination all the time: for happy thoughts, scary thoughts, and even deeply sad thoughts. Our emotional health has on the surface seemed fine for decades, but we are only more recently discovering that it is actually a façade. How we really feel has been bottled up and packaged in a box with a smiley face drawn on it so no one will bother asking about what’s inside. The problem is, our emotions are not an inanimate object that remains the same, can be left somewhere and picked up whenever it is convenient. They are living and ever-evolving and the truth is, the more we try to conceal them the more unpredictable they become. We must work to understand where they come from and we were not designed to deal with them on our own. God made Adam and very quickly saw that it was not good that he was alone and so he, therefore, made him a helper. This is not to say that we all need to be married because that is certainly not true (that’s another rabbit trail for another time). God designed His people to share life with each other and that is what this incredibly long writing is trying to help the reader understand.
Yes, I acknowledge that being around the married couple whose baby died is not something many are going to seek out. Everyone would much rather spend time with the couple that has the adorable children or the cute little babies. Plenty of people love the idea of watching the children play with their toys outside or watch as the sweet couple takes their “family” out for a walk. Yet every time I see a young dad holding his son’s hand as they walk out to the car, my heart just aches as I cannot help but miss my son and all the moments that I will never have with him. Every time we hear the sound of children (whether screaming, crying, or just exclaiming) it immediately acts as a trigger and that may never change. We are still a work in progress. The Lord is still working in our hearts. Healing takes time. Believe me, we don’t want to feel this pain, but we also don’t want to forget or pretend like our son’s life didn’t happen. It is much easier to “like” a beautiful color picture of someone’s children from their recent trip, adventure, or accomplishment than it is the black and white picture of our son from seven years ago. I get it.
Yes, November is a hard month for us, especially the closer we get to his birthday, on the 25th but truthfully there are so many dates that are triggers we are always dealing with the feeling of loss and sorrow. Thanksgiving will forever be a challenging date for a variety of reasons. There’s also the date we found out we were pregnant, the date we heard the news from the doctor about his fatal diagnosis, the date we announced our pregnancy to our family, the date we traveled to the children’s hospital to fight for his life, the date my wife’s water broke and the day we went back home to try and carry our son to full term. Please do not make the mistake of thinking that bringing up our son will make us sad as if to think that there is a day where we are trying not to think of him and that therefore we are “happy” or are “having a good day” when suddenly you bring up our son and we spiral into a depressed state. Our son is always on our heart and mind and we are dealing every day with the reality that is our world without him and the mixed emotions that come along with that. We are thankful and joyful that he survived labor and was actually born. It means so much that we got to hold him, as did our family and friends. We are thankful that we have pictures of him and other keepsakes. We know that many parents have been in similar situations and did not get to have those things, so we do not take what God has given us for granted one bit.
I hope and pray that this peek into my heart has been helpful, I hope that it will encourage those who are also struggling in secret pain to step forward and share with someone they can trust. I hope it will change people’s inclination to ask “the question” and if they do still ask maybe be more prepared to listen to a less than normal response to the question. Happy 7th Birthday Cyrus!
