The Beard
Some of you know the story about my beard and some of you do not, but in truth, none of you know all of it because only in time as I have thought about it more have I come to formulate my thoughts into words. Many of you may already at this point be wondering what the big deal is, “it’s just a nasty beard”. If you have the desire to know my thoughts then read on but if this all just seems silly to you then it may be wasted on you. In which case, there is no point in you reading any further. But for those that would like a glimpse into why I have grown and continued to keep this beard, please read on. But please be gentle and considerate as you do so.
I’ll be honest, the beard started over 1 year ago. For those of you that follow my wife’s blog of our “Year of First” you may have read about the other day that this time a year ago we were in Philadelphia fighting for my son’s life. We had no idea how long we were going to be there but we were content to stay as long as needed to do whatever was necessary for Cyrus. As most of you now know we did not end up staying near as long as we thought (or even hoped). Our trip was tragically cut short and we were sent home with no hope from man whatsoever. Well during our time in PA I was in a very new but challenging emotional state. On the one hand I was incredibly sad, worried and fearful for my son’s life. We were giving Cyrus the best possible chance at life that we knew how yet we knew that at any time everything could turn horribly bleak. But on the other side of my emotions was optimism, hope & faith that my God would deliver my son miraculously and that everyone that doubted, everyone that thought he was hopeless would be proven wrong and that miracles were possible and very real. These 2 sides of my emotions were constantly at battle with each other. I needed to be strong for my wife, for our mothers that had graciously traveled with us, and for my son who needed someone to fight for him and value his life. I carried that role without hesitation. As a father there was access to a strength unlike I had known before. As I carried that role, my beard began to grow.
In the midst of so many procedures and hospital visits, early mornings, late nights we tried to still do things to take our mind off of the emotionally taxing situation we were in. I’m sure many of you would wonder how in the middle of all this going on how we could go site seeing, shopping or out to eat. Well it wasn’t easy but we needed to take up time between the procedures and we also needed a distraction. Not like we were ever fully distracted from what was happening (it remained in our mind at all times) but in part we were able to enjoy time together and try to just trust that everything was going to be ok. So we went site seeing and saw the Rocky Museum, the Art Museum, the Liberty Bell and many of the other interesting sites that Philadelphia had to offer. To everyone we came in contact with we probably seemed like just your regular tourist, completely unaware of the real reason we were there. We went shopping as well, as we didn’t know how long to pack for we decided to pack for a week and just wash clothes as needed. In an effort to pick up our spirits and just to show us kindness, our mothers took us both shopping several times while we were there and bought us clothing that even now, looking at or wearing reminds us of a time of hardship but also of trust and bonding. We do not deserve such great mothers, but then again, there’s a lot we don’t deserve that our Creator gives us anyways. We also went out to eat. We walked to most places and thankfully there were several good food options around us and we frequented some of them numerous times. We had to eat, and getting out allowed us to once again, distract ourselves from the challenges we were continuing to face each day. So this was our life for the few weeks we were there. I can’t believe that we were even able to get there and give our son the best chance possible. Truly, that whole trip was only made possible by the Love of Christ demonstrated through one main family. I don’t share their name because I know they have no desire to receive recognition. But they know who they are and some of you may know as well. From making flights possible, to making hotels possible and even showing up in PA to give us a ride and a friendly face they were Jesus to us in a way unlike I have ever experienced before. To this day, thinking of their kindness almost brings me to tears. I can not thank them enough. Honestly it went by fast and even though it may seem as though ultimately the trip was pointless because it did not end in saving Cyrus’ life, there was a point. There was a purpose.
In addition to our “tourist” activities, we also found a local church, Christ Community Church of Philadelphia. I don’t know why we picked that church. There were other churches that were a little bit closer. They were all within walking distance but I think it was in part because they met in an old church building that honestly looked cool. So we gave it a try. I grew up going to church and after both attending and serving in one for the majority of my adult life I knew that especially at a time like this, I needed to worship with other Believers. Church is not perfect, but I’m convinced that it is essential for every Believer to be actively connected to a body of Believers. So we gave this place a try but had no idea what to expect. As we walked in we received the usual hand shake and welcome greeting but that was about it. We didn’t know where anything was but the church was not very large, mostly just a sanctuary with a few other rooms. We wandered upstairs because they had these large very cool looking staircases. We eventually found the balcony and discovered that we were actually early and there was a staff meeting going on. We sat down and just stayed quiet. I have to say, that even that staff meeting was encouraging and uplifting (which is strange). Well a short time later that ended and everyone started getting the service going. But the blessing that we received from that church was definitely not what we were expecting. I could go into more detail but that’s for another segment. All the while, my beard continued to grow. But I had no one to impress, no meetings to go to, no one that I really knew to judge me.
Honestly, I had never grown my beard very long before. I thought about it several times but eventually gave up on it either because it would irritate me, itch or because it would look “unkempt” or “unprofessional” or simply because enough people complained about it and how it looked. Well as I mentioned earlier, our trip to Philadelphia did not end as optimistically as it had started. The doctor told us that it was over. There was nothing left to do. We’d done everything we could but it was time to end our sons life. He gave us 3 options (none of which were positive). Option #1 - Terminate the pregnancy in Philadelphia (this was what he most recommended). Option #2 - Go back home to Charlotte and terminate there (he said it was risky traveling but that it would probably be fine). Option #3 - Just wait and see but risk getting infected and not only losing the baby but my wife could die too (this was obviously not the option he recommended at all). If you know anything about our story, you know that we chose to trust in our God, THE God who is not limited and I am so glad we did because though it was the most painful time of my life, the time I spent with my son outside the womb on November 25th 2013 starting at 7:31am was and is the most precious time in my entire life. But sadly, the hour and nine minutes went by too fast and we were forced to say good bye to our son so too soon after we just began saying hello. This time would now mark the deepest state of sadness and depression that I have ever experienced. My wife & I have at that point been married for approximately 5-1/2 years and dated for 3 years before that and had never gone through anything like that before. Sadness permeates our hearts and minds. Constant reminders of our loss are everywhere from baby announcements, children’s birthday parties to even seeing children (especially babies) out in public. Everything reminds us of Cyrus and the fact that he’s not here with us.
Now for me this situation is very different. We went through this entire situation from when we decided to try and start a family, to the moment we found out we were pregnant to the fatal diagnosis to the procedures to the delivery and eventual farewell of our son. But I was not the one that carried our son. That joy and sacrifice goes only to my beloved. The role that our Creator designed in the forming of the universe remains the same. All I could do was carry her and be there every step of the way. Every Dr visits. Every procedure. Everything, I was there by her side, holding her hand, praying over her and my son and often times holding her as she cried. This was such a hard time for us but also a time for growth. The Lord gave us strength to endure this situation unlike anything we thought before and for that we are forever thankful. Part of me is jealous of the role she gets to play as mother to Cyrus but I know that God is sovereign and designed us both uniquely but differently. Now that Cyrus is with Jesus and my wife & I are left here on earth for a certain period of time until we can see him again we are forced to try and adjust to a “new normal” life. Never again will we forget our son, but never again will we take life for granted. Never again will we take a normal pregnancy or a healthy baby for granted (not that we necessarily ever did). Some of you may have noticed earlier when I used the term “we were pregnant”. I’m sure there are many women and mothers out there that may rise up at that and point out that I wasn’t the one carrying and that I wasn’t pregnant. Although they are right, Cyrus was not inside me, I did not feel contractions and experience all the physical changes a woman’s body goes through during this, I was still pregnant. The Bible describes a man and a woman that come together in the Holy Sanctity of marriage as one flesh. What she experiences, I experience and vise versa. I was with her through it all, and believe me, when she hurts, so do I. But now that we are left with just our memories, some physical keepsakes and a tattoo or two what is left? What do we do now? My wife bears the battle scars of the pregnancy and she will never forget that experience (neither will I, from my perspective).
In biblical times when a father lost someone precious to them they would often tear their clothes, throw ashes on themselves and often times wear sackcloth or something that would show the world that this person is grieving. It communicated to everyone that saw that person that they have experienced a difficult loss and I think for those that cared for them it communicated that they should be treated with extra care, love & compassion. In today’s age we don’t do that anymore. I feel the same but when I go out in the world no one knows any different and they go about their own lives. Plus, those that knew me but did not know what I had gone through would also not know that anything was different about me. I looked the same as I always did. Except for one thing that is, the beard. Society has been forced over the past 5-10 years to change their perspective on facial hair. No longer is the clean cut the only acceptable norm. Where as before a beard usually went along with a homeless person, or perhaps someone in a “blue collar” lifestyle or maybe just a wilderness person that lived their life more outdoors. But to see a beard in corporate america for the longest time has not been acceptable. But times have changed. You see beards everywhere. Long beards, short beards, shaped beards, natural beards, red beards, black beards, white beards and more. There are even clubs, societies and competitions centered around beards and other facial hair. It’s amazing. I have a good friend that has an excellent beard and has since I was in college over 10 years ago. IF you were to ask him why he chose to grow his beard there is no telling what he might tell you but it would become very obvious that he is passionate about it. In biblical times you picture people with beards and long hair, probably more so because of the lack of availability to cut your hair or shave your beard. It became a status symbol. A long beard showed age and experience, a grey or white beard showed wisdom. In Jewish culture there was much to be valued for long hair and/or a beard. You may remember the story of Sampson where God chose to show His glory through Sampson’s strength connected to his long hair by way of covenant with God. When his hair was cut something changed, not only did his strength go away but his relationship with God was changed forever. His eyes were opened to how much he needed God in his life and he suddenly realized how much he had taken God for granted. So it’s easy to see the significance to physical appearance and especially hair growth. Our appearance says a lot about us. To some people our appearance is too important. 2 Corinthians 5:16 reminds us that we no longer recognize man according to the flesh as we used to (even thought we still do in sin). We can’t help it, we see someone and the way they look and immediately we assume and make judgements in our hearts and mind. Some of us are more willing to change those judgments once we get to know them better than others. But the fact remains, we have eyes, we can see people, we will always make assumptions of people we don’t know based on how they look. I’ve been able to experience the way people treat someone with a beard. I’ve been told that i look more intimidating or threatening. Now I have trimmed part of my beard in an effort to somewhat appease the world I live in and look professional in my work. But chin part of my beard has remained untouched since that time in August of 2013 when we went to Philadelphia to fight for my sons life.
Now, all I have that makes my appearance stand out is my beard. Every time I look at myself I see it and I think of my son. Many people still don’t like my beard and I’ll be honest, there are many times I don’t care for how I look with it either. There is a lot of extra maintenance that goes into it and it would be very easy at times to just get rid of it. But when ever I consider getting rid of it my heart starts to ache. For me, keeping the beard is my way of tearing my clothes and throwing ashes on my head. It may not communicate the same thing today as those things did in biblical times but for those that know me it changes my appearance and how they look at me. They see a beard and for those that knew me before I had this long beard they know how long I’ve had it. To many I’ve referred to it as my “Cyrus Beard”. I don’t know if I will ever get rid of it. I may, I may not. Part of me has always thought that eventually the people in the bible would have to bath and put on new clothes and move on with their life. Truthfully I am not ready to do that yet. I believe one day my wife’s and my heart will be put back together. Our hearts will bear scars but they will be put back together. I don’t know when that will be though. Neither of us do. So be careful how you treat everyone you meet. You have no idea what they have or are going through. You don’t know why they look the way they do or dress the way they do. It may be for a good reason that you may or may not understand. They next time a person speeds up behind you and whips around you don’t honk your horn at them and wave obscene gestures at them, they might be rushing to the hospital to see someone before they die. The next time someone is rude to you, don’t just curse them out, they might have gone through a hardship or even a loss but still had to go to work to pay bills. These people may just need some love and compassion. I’m not saying that if life gets hard enough that gives you permission to put yourself above others but just be lenient with people and love on them as Christ did. Every time someone tells me they don’t like my beard or that I should cut it off, it hurts a little. Even though I know they don’t know what they’re saying and they don’t know it hurts me. I certainly don’t fault them. But my perspective of people is forever changed. If one day the Lord gives me a peace and restores my soul I may decide to get rid of the beard. This will not mean that I’m all better. Just like if my wife and I ever get pregnant again and the child lives, that does not mean we are “better” or that things are “back to normal”. We will never forget our first born son Cyrus. He has changed us both and so many others forever. Thank you to all of you who have been patient and understanding with us through this time. Thank you to all of you who have donated, given of your time, talents or self to us. The kindness you display is not overlooked or under appreciated. God has used it in our lives exactly when we’ve needed it. Continue to pray for us, we still very much need it.
